Short-sighted And Surrounded By Taxis?

Being short-sighted can lead to some embarrassing misunderstandings and at times, even be dangerous. I'm back to commuting on a Thursday and Friday, working temporarily in a part-time position in a school. As part of my daily commute, I'm reunited with Metro and today was struck by an article about the Metropolitan Police that rang true and instantly made me chuckle.

Back in my first year at Leeds University on a black winter night, I recall almost flagging down a police car believing it to be a taxi. My already slightly short-sighted vision combined with a few drinks and the darkness to convince me the approaching vehicle would be my ride home. Thankfully nothing bad came of this but some weeks later a police car actually drove a friend and I back to our hall of residence. I hadn't done anything wrong but as it was a Bank Holiday and bus services were limited the kindly policeman thought it wise to offer to drive us home, rather than us walk the half an hour along remote dark unlit pavements. Amusingly, speaking to a friend recently, I discovered he had a similar experience with the police, also in his first year. Perhaps we all just looked particularly naive and vulnerable, who knows?

Today's main news article about the Met's phone bill was accompanied by a tiny NIB about a police officer facing disciplinary action after posting remarks on Twitter that the police force were comparable to a "taxi service". He wrote these comments negatively about the force when in actual fact I have both quite literally mistaken the police for a taxi service and rather beneficially been chauffeur-driven to safety by a thoughtful officer.

The main body of the news article stated the Met had spent £35,000 on 110,000 calls to the speaking clock in the past two years. This particularly tickled me as only last week I spent some time analysing a text aimed at EAL learners in order to teach them about the services offered by dialling certain numbers. In the A'Level English Language class, we all decided many dial-up services are now somewhat archaic and almost obsolete as the Internet provides quicker and more in-depth answers. I really can not imagine why the Met are so frequently ringing the talking clock at 31p a minute when officers are surely all equipped with a phone, if not a watch when out and about. Still I guess someone beyond possibly the blind and more old-fashioned need to keep it going?

Bye Bye Bob

January is traditionally the month of New Year's resolutions and frugal living. Having over-spent and over-indulged at Christmas, it is the month we're supposed to detox and start saving pennies again. In keeping with this philosophy, I have been watching much more TV than my normal quota.

The announcement of Bob Holness' death began January with tributes to the Blockbuster legend. Watching old re-runs of the show, transported me back to earlier more innocent years when I recall pre-pubescent sleep-overs in a makeshift indoor tent, comfortingly shrouded in old sheets playing the Blockbusters board game.

Re-watching the show, I was instantly reminded of what used to appeal to me about it – unlike many TV quizzes I was always heartened I was actually able to correctly answer the majority of questions asked. Tellingly, The Boy recalls feeling particularly embarrassed by incorrect answers, rather than elated by merely being able to answer questions.

I'd forgotten the bizarre and unfair format of the show that sees two contestants compete against one, merely having to answer a few additional questions in order to complete a winning Blockbuster run. Watching the show now it looks so dated, from the slightly of-centre footage of the title screen to fashions sported by contestants, hideously colourful polo shirt prizes and video footage of the main holiday prize.

In keeping with 80s' and early 90s' fashions, following our Blockbusters tribute, we decided to have a Black Lace medley and watch old Bullseye repeats - another show with comically dated prizes (a tiny heavy-weight TV that's primary draw is its colour picture, an enormous camcorder that looked like it'd be too big for flight hand luggage size regulations..). It's just a shame, old 80s' and early 90s' adverts aren't re-run during "the break".

Aside from the return of Shameless and Sherlock Holmes; the start of channel 4's New Girl and the odd Dickens' adaptation, January television has so far been fairly uninspiring. The comically dramatic title of an Inside Nature's Giants' episode, Rogue Baboon, actually tempted me to watch a nature documentary and with Dating In The Dark done and dusted and a new Australian second series yet to air later this year, I also decided to give the second series of Playing It Straight a go. While musical interludes provide the perfect kettle boiling and toilet visiting opportunities, in all its mindless vileness, the show actually shows some promise as an equally trashy TV substitute. I look forward to Cara's journey of deception next week.

The Uncanny Likeness Of Family

Bank Holidays are for catching up – catching up with house chores, sleep, hobbies, friends.... Many years ago before the 1871 Bank Holidays Act in the UK we had approximately 33 saints' days and religious festivals to celebrate as holidays. Sadly after 1834 the Bank of England no longer recognised them all and our “Bank Holidays” were reduced to just four: May Day (May 1), All Saints Day (November 1), Good Friday and Christmas Day. After the 1871 Act was passed there remained four official holiday days (Easter Monday, the first Monday in May, the first Monday in August and Boxing Day) but Good Friday and Christmas Day were also recognised as common law holidays. Today, we may not have 33 annual days off work but we do get holiday allowances and more Bank Holidays than they had back in 1871.

This year, we spent the Bank Holidays after a hectic Christmas finally catching up with TV shows we'd recorded and generally trying to recharge the batteries before work commenced. We've long been a fan of Misfits and watched both the film of This is England and the mini series set in 1986. This Monday we finally got round to watching This Is England '88 and a revelation was made.

People constantly seem to be searching for lookalikes. I can recall several recent conversations that have centred around saying who people in the room remind us of. I am even guilty of finding a bizarre resemblance between certain people and types of fruit and vegetable. Watching This is England '88 when The Boy said the character of Harvey looked just like Kelly from Misfits I couldn't help but agree. One quick IMDB search and all becomes clear.

Arthur Conan Doyle said: "Streams may spring from one source, and yet some be clear and some be foul". In Michael (Harvey) and Lauren (Kelly) Socha's case their family resemblance is uncanny:

Top Ten TV Shows Cancelled Before Their Time

As the year comes to an end and the continuation of several TV shows I followed is questionable, I thought it seemed appropriate to reflect on ten TV shows that were all cancelled before their time. For some inexplicable reason I watched American sci-fi Terra Nova right to the excruciating end of its embarrassing and somewhat predictable first season finale. Almost every episode was full of vomit-inducing saccharine family bonding and the final episode could have easily been second-guessed without ever having watched any previous ones. Whether there will be a second season shall be decided sometime this year and to be honest I'm not bothered whether I ever see the Shannon family again or not.

In the past however, I have been genuinely gutted to see the departure of well-written cult shows with plots left dangling. TV bosses decide to cancel shows for a number of reasons (ratings and money obviously being the primary motivation) but never consider how annoying it is for the fans who're left with an unfillable gap, hungry for more and missing characters they've followed for so long they seem almost real. The following list comes in no particular order and is by no means exhaustive but is tellingly reflective of my eclectic ever-changing tastes:

1. Tripods

I vaguely remember this BBC series as a child and The Boy and I decided to re-watch it a few years ago - we were rather disappointed when it came to a sudden end with an unresolved story. Series one of The Tripods was broadcast in 1984 and covered the first John Christopher book, The White Mountains while series two (1985) used his follow-up novel, The City of Gold and Lead as its source material. A television script for the third series based on Christopher's novel The Pool Of Fire was written but sadly the third instalment was never produced.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYeel-B-SRA

2. My So Called Life

I loved this show as a teen and while going through a particularly nostalgic phase purchased the box set. The cliffhanger ending resulting from the show's unexpected cancellation in May 1995 was and is absolutely devastating. At the time I had no idea but it appears the lead (Claire Danes) had had enough of the show and wanted to go elsewhere with her career so was not too keen to sign up for a second series playing Angela Chase. We can blame an adolescent Danes for mid-90s teenage misery suffered across the land but then again perhaps TV bosses shouldn't end each season on a cliffhanger unless its return is set in stone – discuss...

Final episode: In Dreams Begins Responsibilities

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMRyVOQYPMM

3. E Street

Australian TV soap, E Street ran from 1989 until 1993 and had some pretty wacky plot lines. It won the "Most Popular Serial" in the 1992 Australian Logies and actors Bruce Samazan and Simon Baker both won additional awards in their respective categories in 1992 and 1993. Despite its success, the show was cancelled in May 1993. In this instance, it seems “creative differences” and the “direction” Network 10 wanted to take the show were to blame. In addition high-profile cast departures damaged the show's reputation, despite consistently high viewing figures. In the final episodes (403 and 404), the remaining cast were placed in life-threatening situations and a final 10-minute montage of E Street's greatest moments accompanied the closing credits.

4. American Gothic

Executive produced by Sam Raimi, American Gothic, is yet another series I watched religiously at the time and have since purchased on DVD. The show is just as compelling over fifteen years on and re-watching it was made all the more irritating by bizarre box set episode ordering. Its cancellation after one season on July 11 1996 left fans hungry for more and keen for a resolution to the final episode, Requiem.

5. Sugar Rush

Channel 4 series, Sugar Rush ran for two short seasons and ended on an unwelcome cliff-hanger. The stars of the show, Olivia Hallinan and Lenora Crichlow later confirmed its 2006 cancellation was "a last minute thing - especially the way we leave series two [i.e. with Sugar moving in with Kim and Saint and Stella's pregnancy], it sets things up for series three." Despite its popularity with viewers and critics alike, the show was reportedly cancelled due to a lack of suitable scheduling slot and because of the requirements for Big Brother 8. It's also rumoured a third series was never planned.

6. Deadwood

American Western-based drama, Deadwood, took a little getting into but once I was in the zone, there was no going back. Set in 1870s, South Dakota, before and after the area's annexation by the Dakota Territory, the series follows Deadwood's growth from camp to town, featuring many historical figures (Calamity Jane, Wyatt Earp...). Although after three 12 episode seasons, the show is technically not cancelled, the likelihood of it returning with its original cast and crew is slim. Creator David Milch agreed with HBO back in 2006 after season three to make two two-hour television films in place of a fourth season and in doing so give fans a neater ending but we're still waiting...

7. Prison Break

Sure Prison Break became more and more ludicrous with each season but despite this, it somehow remained unfortunately addictive. After its fourth season fans were once again left wanting but kindly studio bosses later decided to release an additional two episodes entitled The Old Ball and Chain and Free, intended to wrap-up unfinished plot lines. Both were later transformed into a standalone feature called The Final Break.

8. Heroes

Tim Kring's sci-fi series appeared on NBC for four seasons from September 25, 2006 through to February 8, 2010. Tapping into a sudden renewed interest in comic book heroes, the series told the story of ordinary people who all mysteriously discover they have a variety of superhuman abilities. Despite millions of faithful viewers and a number of awards and nominations the show received (Primetime Emmy Awards, Golden Globes, People's Choice Awards and British Academy Television Awards), the cancellation of the show was announced on May 14, 2010. The network considered making a television special to conclude the series but this never materialised. Thankfully, unlike many cancelled shows, the fourth season at least ends reasonably neatly.

9. Flashforward

FlashForward revolves around the lives of several people as a mysterious event causes nearly everyone on the planet to simultaneously lose consciousness and have visions of their future lives. Based upon Canadian science fiction writer Robert J. Sawyer's novel of the same name, it aired for merely one season on ABC from September 24, 2009. For some inexplicable reason, it was announced in May 2010 that ABC would not be renewing FlashForward for a second season, leaving viewers perpetually in the dark about the cause of the blackouts. The first season's final episode, Future Shock, ends on a highly dramatic cliff-hanger with Mark (Joseph Fiennes) trapped inside the FBI headquarters.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXXBJc3m7T0

10. United States of Tara

I've already moaned about the cancellation of this most addictive Diablo Cody (Juno, Jennifer's Body) series and its ever-excellent lead (Toni Collette) AND have even uncharacteristically joined a Facebook page in a futile attempt to save it so for comments please visit:

http://digestingthefat.blogspot.com/2011/10/drowning-in-lifes-dramas.htm

Christmas Is In The Air And In The Toilet

Only three days until Christmas and I'm still trying my best to feel festive. I've watched at least another four or five Christmas films, bought Christmas themed earrings, been wearing a lot of red, using Christmas themed toilet paper (stocking fillers from the last two years finally put to good use!) and even been doing my daily pilates to Christmas music.

As the days before the holy one's birthday dwindle away, with each phone call home my mum is sounding increasingly stressed. My family has a pretty unusual Christmas with an awful lot of traditions we adhere to. Every year we rotate between my parents' house and my two Aunts' houses with up to fifteen of us staying for three nights for Christmas Eve through to Boxing Day. This year it is being hosted at ma and pa's house and dad decided to up the pressure by getting a new kitchen fitted that would be completed “well before Christmas”. “Well before” has of course actually translated as about a week before – surely plenty of time to give it all a good clean, put everything back in place and pre-prepare all of the food for the three days?

In addition to worrying about food and sorting out bedrooms etc, games need to be made. In my family, the only TV really permitted over the three days is to watch the Queen's speech on Christmas day and late night TV once the majority have gone to bed. Instead of ogling the box we go back to Victorian times without the singing around the piano. Games like “the drawing game” (known as Pictionary to many), “Give Us A Clue” and name the famous people in the newspaper cuttings are commonplace every year, as well as the annual Boxing Day “Car Treasure Hunt”.

As I've been uncharacteristically twiddling my thumbs a bit over the last few days, I decided to start devising some games to play to try and at least take one stress away from Big G. After having a long think about different games we could play, I wanted to get a series of Christmas song clips sung by unusual folk in the hope people would be able to guess the original artist. This actually proved more tricky than I could ever have imagined but prompted an amazing discovery.

When faced with a vast choice of music to listen to, I sometimes find it difficult to think of anything I fancy putting on but still love Spotify - it allows me to listen to unowned childhood guilty pleasures like Spaced and provides some fantastic recommendations of artists related to my search. Searching for “Christmas Pop Songs” I somehow stumbled across an amazing album I would have never previously believed existed: Christmas Cats (I promise I wasn't intentionally searching for cats on this occasion!).

I'd love to be able to play some to you but sadly as it is on Spotify I can't - those of you on Spotify must give it a listen. Unbelievably, it is actually a whole album of 30 Christmas songs all sung by cats. And I'm since even more shocked to discover there's a whole range of animal sung albums. The Maj is quite disturbed by the cat piano iphone app which merely plays piano keys as meows so imagine what entire songs with cats singing did to him! While he tried to eat a chunk out of the side of my laptop, I rejoiced I'd found a ridiculously effortless Christmas game.

One day over the festive period, my family are going to be listening to a variety of songs by feline artists and trying to guess what popular Christmas favourites they are. If the image of a room full of “adults” carefully trying to discern song titles while listening to cats meowing isn't enough to put a smile on your face, then perhaps a selection of Christmas cracker style jokes from one of my two Christmas toilet rolls might help:

Q1: What are the wettest animals in the world?

A1: Reindeer

Q2: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A2: Claustrophobic

Q3: What's the difference between roast beef and pee soup?

A3: Anyone can roast beef

Q4: What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A4: Frostbite

Q5: Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party?

A5: He's a fun guy

Q6: Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?

A6: He had low elf-esteem

Have a purr-fect Christmas (Sorry, I couldn't resist!).

The Newfangled Festive Spirit

As the big day draws near I'm trying to perk-up my Christmas spirit – as you can see, The Major has already found his.

Despite hating most traditional Christmas foods and being non-religious, I've always loved Christmas - for me it's about family and tradition. Every year in the run-up to Christmas I start re-watching my large and somewhat embarrassing Christmas film collection and planning our annual Christmas party.

This year's “Echo Christmas” managed to avoid the ridiculously repetitive playlist we created on Spotify last year, instead opting for background sounds courtesy of music channels with Christmas shows. Momentarily stopping between putting batches of snack foods in the oven, I was disturbed to see what had been deemed “Christmas music” - Rockin' Robin seemed to have been replaced with amusing 80s ballads and one-hit-wonders.

As the night progressed, a monumentally unfestive discovery was made – something that managed to slip me by at the time of release. The video below is likely to cause children nightmares and make it very difficult for Santa to delivery presents:

Several days later and we're browsing through TV channels, shocked to discover the so-called “Christmas Channel” is showing Predator followed by Piranha. This year feels distinctly unChristmassy, despite my best-efforts. I've even over-heard people in the hairdressers talking about a local library banning the term “Christmas Tree” and using “Festive Tree” instead, deeming it to be less “offensive”.

With music channel playlists avoiding Christmas tunes and the designated TV Christmas channel showing slasher-flicks, it's no wonder I've lost that festive feeling. It's lucky Lonely Island are on hand to remind me about the spirit of giving at Christmas:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZLIQodHaFk

And if like me, the video on the above link is enough to make you chuckle, then you may also perhaps enjoy two more particularly entertaining Lonely Island videos:

Perhaps, instead of searching for bad taste joke videos, I should get back to supping on vast amounts of mulled wine while wrapping presents and up my intake of Christmas classics like It's A Wonderful Life, Santa Claus: The Movie and Rare Exports.

Surreal Signs

The last three weeks have been photo hell. Although it doesn't feel like it, it's now rather shockingly over two years since I returned from my year of travels. Ever since arriving back, sorting through the travel pictures has been on the list of things to do but with thousands of them, I kept inevitably putting it off.

Having embraced the joys of discount sites like Groupon, I purchased some print albums to begin the daunting process of finally documenting my travels. I'd planned to sort through my pictures over a month before the deal ended but in reality started sifting through pictures a few weeks before and actually created the albums on-line on the last two days of the deal.

The website I was using reassuring said it would take between five to ten minutes to create an album. Try anywhere between five to eight hours! Just uploading the pictures took several hours alone and traffic on the site was so busy it took an hour and a half to pay for the second album. Of course there's all the fiddly nonsense like rotating pictures, getting them in the right order, labelling etc to be done too.

I finally finished and paid for the second album at 11.30 (half an hour before the deal ended) to discover I'd actually purchased three albums and had someone changed the figure to two in my head. Queue some frantic downloading and a 3am finish that ended happily with the Groupon code being accepted anyway.

Having finished the task, I thought I'd treat myself to the less arduous job of looking through my more recent holiday pictures from Budapest, Slovenia, Salzburg and Italy. I love a good sign and there are quite a few comical or frankly bizarre ones among my photos that I thought I'd share:

Budapest:

I just love the additional use of colour in this image from our hostel.

This place doesn't seem to understand that the real meaning of “Happy Ending” was widely recognised some time ago or perhaps they're merely trying to use it as their unique selling point?

You may wonder what's going on in this sign?

Then you see the next one that helpfully illustrates the service offered:

Slovenia:

I've always been amused by the randomness of Punkys in Indian restaurants but this Slovenian Pizzeria takes their plastic encased dessert collection to a whole new level.

I've no idea why this sign seems to suggest females are banned from holding hands with children along the footpath.

Or why this sign says it's OK for men to hold hands with children wearing hats resembling kites.

The existence of an erotic 3D cinema and shop in the tiny Slovenian town of Bled is a tad bizarre but one specialising in Avatar?!

Italy:

Is this finally recognising the snail's right of way on our roads?

We thought this might be prohibiting any skiing on the flower beds.

This sign is dually strange – one side seems to be encouraging dog golf while the other encourages walks with ghost dogs. Unfortunately the dwindling daylight hours means this picture is a tad on the dark side but the version with flash manages to somehow mask the strangeness of the right hand side of the sign.

Decide for yourself, what the “yes” and “no” on the toilet flushers are trying to say.