A Non-Literal Crutch

http://www.thenutgraph.com/patriotic-songs/

I like to think I keep fairly up-to-date with new word creations but have to admit I only came across "YOLO" by accident when half-watching The Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2012 on Channel Four at the end of last year.

A week into the New Year and I'm reading about a recent study in the US by Marist, revealing “YOLO” is one of America's least favourite words (http://metro.co.uk/2013/01/07/seriously-there-are-literally-millions-of-words-that-are-basically-annoying-just-sayin-3338395/). Since reading the Metro feature, I'm unable to stop saying “whatever” (unsurprisingly another word voted “most annoying”) for several days afterwards and actually experience someone saying “YOLO” to me in all seriousness – a student asks to borrow a pen and I warn him it'll lead to an “equipment comment” to which he replies: “Oh well, YOLO!”

I'm well aware words like “basically” wind a lot of people up but realise I have no idea what these types of words are called. Virtually every phenomenon in the world has a name, especially in linguistics, so I'm surprised it takes me so long to uncover the information I seek. A friend suggests “earworm” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earworm) but this term seems to exclusively be applied to music that sticks in the head without any obvious prompting, not isolated words.

The answer finally surfaces and sounds somewhat misleading... Words like “literally” are called “crutch words”, a term referring to expressions peppered throughout our language that act as verbal or written pauses, allowing us time to think or accentuate our meaning. Sometimes these words have somehow lodged in our brains, resulting in repeat usage, adding little meaning. Sometimes we use them incorrectly but even if we don’t need them at all, we're likely to unintentionally and quite irritatingly persist in churning them out.

To check how many crutch words you use, for an extensive list visit:

http://www.theatlanticwire.com/entertainment/2012/09/literal-epidemic-crutch-words/56748/

Potty Mouth

For the last month every now and again, The Boy has asked me if I can smell “cat piss”. As we have a furry friend who has his own portaloo in the flat, it is quite likely he is indeed smelling feline wee wee. Investigations, have however, proved fruitless and various perfumes have unfairly born the brunt of the blame.

Last weekend, I'm waiting in Leeds train station for the rest of the gang to purchase tickets and my brace-wearing friend is the first to rejoin me. She desperately needs a drink and as she's unable to chew gum and there's no time to make a purchase, I offer her one of the throat sweets I have just finished.

Ten minutes later, we're sitting on the train and I notice a rather unpleasant smell. “Can you smell cat piss?” I ask my bemused companion. It seems Jakemans' menthol lozenges have something in common with garlic; It is only some time after I've finished eating mine, I'm able to smell the rather unpleasant odour they give off.

As someone who easily succumbs to sore throats, I'm regularly in need of a soothing helper and discovered Jakemans quite some time ago. Since finding the brand in various pound shops, I've become quite a fan, particularly pleased by their impressive sucking time (I've made it through a film with a significantly diminished sweet still going as the end credits roll).

I'm so keen I've even encouraged others to purchase them; Now I'm wondering whether anyone else made the unfortunate mistake of trying the blackcurrant ones. I normally favour the cherry or blueberry flavours and these seem to be safe but blackcurrant emanates the offending odour.

Since the weekend's shocking discovery, The Boy is pressurising me into getting rid of the remaining lozenges unable to stand the urine breath emitted while sweet-sucking. Not liking waste, I'm struggling to throw away perfectly tasty throat sweets that admirably do their job but I'm also wary I'll forget their unpleasant side-effect and publicly shame myself by convincing someone I'm incontinent or frequently neglect basic personal hygiene.

Although Jakemans bring a much more literal meaning to the idiom “potty mouth”, I shall remain a fan, attempting to spread the word – they have been going since 1907 after all so must be getting something right but be warned, avoid their blackcurrant variety: http://www.jakemans.com/home.ashx.

A Return To Student Living

The start of a new year and a new “Do Not” sign in the building. This one tells us not to force the automatic door that leads to the outside world. I've been wondering for some time who I share a building with and often feel like I'm back in student halls, albeit less sociable ones. Last year a series of unbelievable incidents have led me to question the maturity of my co-inhabitants:

Exhibit One:

Someone has grafittied on the wall beside the lift and it looks like something that would be more commonplace among the rougher inner city schools and certainly nothing Banksy would be proud of.

Exhibit Two:

The metal panels in the lift have been kicked in by someone who clearly has anger management issues.

Exhibit Three:

I get into the lift to find the plastic flooring has been magicked away by some hilarious prankster.

Exhibit Four:

The bin beside the lift designed for the deposit of resident's junk mail has repeatedly gone missing. As a result, it now seems to no longer be a permanent feature of the building.

Exhibit Five:

The number for our post box has been stolen, alongside several others.

Exhibit Six:

For weeks on end, a highly considerate occupant of a flat below managed to block out our TV and own stereo with grating dance tunes until someone else must have complained.

Exhibit Seven:

Unlike the flooring, the mirror in the lift is still there but now completely smashed up.

Exhibit Eight:

After my dad's arrival for the weekend and a few drinks in our local, we returned to the flat. On entering the lift, we were met by an unbearably unpleasant smell and a foul sight. The smell was indeed so vile, one of our number decided to walk the twelve plus flights to the top while those remaining edged around the walls of the lift and held our breath. Later the next day the offending item was gone and the girl sharing the lift with me asked if I knew what had been in the lift the day before, claiming someone had managed to rather messily relieve themselves - a security camera, our break-in couldn't prompt, swiftly followed. I'm still puzzled as to which orifice the offending puddle came from.

Exhibit Nine:

Our parking space has been utilised by some ill-mannered chancer on numerous occasions.

Exhibit Ten:

There are now cigarette burns on the stairwell carpet on the seventh floor.

And that isn't everything - I could moan about the sacks of rubbish lazy and highly inconsiderate residents occasionally litter the hallways with but I won't go on. Who are these people and what's their problem with the lift? And well done for prompting a rise in our maintenance fee – thanks.

All Tied-Up By Tradition

I've spent the last few days in the build-up to Christmas watching festive films while fashioning a giant neck tie out of cardboard and stapling/sticking fluorescent yellow velvet fabric onto it. Every year I watch Christmas films to get myself in the Christmas spirit and this year, avoided the dire looking Nativity 2: Danger In The Manger but unfortunately stumbled across Noel on DVD in a charity shop. Noel managed to steal the title of “Dodgiest Christmas Film” from previous joint winners Jack Frost (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0141109/) and Santa Who? (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0251382/). But I'm sure anyone actually reading this is more interested in the reason behind my bizarre over-sized creation...

Every Christmas my family dress up on Boxing Day according to whatever theme the person hosting Christmas has selected. I can't quite remember when this tradition began but we have had all sorts of costumes since; My sister's are generally always the best while mine tend to be more surreal. She made a fabulous kebab shop owner (Turkish), jerk chicken (Caribbean theme), chorizo (Spanish) and Gandhi (Indian) while my cigar and Dali melting clock required some explaining. In the absence of any more exciting costume ideas, I'm going to be a giant tie for this year's Thai theme. This whole tradition may sound strange but I've recently discovered some odder ones in foreign lands:

• In Austria, Krampus is Santa's evil accomplice who kidnaps naughty kids and takes them back to his lair in a sack so on December 6th men dress up in scary demon costumes and try to scare local children.
  
  
• In the Czech Republic on Christmas Eve single women stand opposite a door with their back to it and throw their shoes at the door and if they land face up a wedding is to be expected.
  
  
• In Japan, KFC is so popular reservations are required over the festive period.
  
  
• In the Ukraine, the person who finds the fake spiderweb hidden among the tree decorations is said to have good luck.
  
  
• In Venezuela, church-goers traditionally wear roller skates to morning mass while slumbering kids are supposed to tie string around their big toe and trail it out of their bedroom window - this way, passing skaters can alert those not already awake Santa has been and gone.
  
  
• In Norway, legend says that on Christmas Eve witches and evil spirits come out looking for brooms to ride on so to ruin the plans of these pesky witches, all brooms in the house are hidden and men go outside to fire a shotgun and scare the evil spirits away.
  
  
• In Chicago, the Chicago Tribune holds an annual "Scared of Santa" contest for the best photo of a kid shrieking on Santa's lap. 

“Tomatoes Almost Every Day Keep The Doctor Away”

Having chomped on vast amounts of cheese this weekend (16 types to be precise), it's good to know my favourite festive-coloured fruit will help combat the post-Christmas blues. Chinese and Japanese researchers have reinvented the old “apple a day” phrase by suggesting eating tomatoes two to six times a week makes people 46% less likely to suffer serious dips in their mood:

https://www.simplyhealth.co.uk/sh/pages/media-centre/health-news-article.jsp?articleId=801620008

A woman in Germany has also given new meaning to the term “happy endings”, apparently trying to smother her boyfriend with her double D breasts:

http://www.wotshappening.com/woman-tried-to-smother-boyfriend-to-death-with-dd-breasts/

Other recent findings from School Stickers (“the leader” in school rewards) perhaps tempts fate and may be equally interesting food for thought for my many pregnant chums. School Stickers looked at data from 63,000 pupils to reveal which names cropped up most frequently among the best-behaved children in 2012:

http://www.schoolstickers.co.uk/index.php?main_page=more_news&news_id=10

Sometimes British Is Best

The last few years I have decided to escape my Birthday by being abroad but as we went away earlier this year, I missed out on our normal Christmas market crawl. To make up for it I have spent the last two weekends touring nearby UK markets and alongside Leeds Christmas market I have taken in Knaresborough, Manchester and Skipton.

I love the festive season and everything that comes with it (except traditional foods) but rarely purchase anything other than snacks and mulled wine when shuffling around markets. Each year my family send individual Christmas lists to each other and there's seldom anything on there I'm likely to find in any of the markets I visit.

This year's lists include an array of toiletries I'll have to raid Wilkinsons for and some exceedingly specific items like “jigsaw puzzles with no sky and lots of interest” and “silk ties with little animals on them”. For the first time I can remember, I actually bought a few gifts from Knaresborough market and have decided it's definitely my favourite. I'm not knocking markets imitating traditional German ones but it was a refreshing change to find wholly unpredictable items for sale. Being a smaller market with only a two day lifespan, it also had a really festive vibe with lots of friendly and enthusiastic stall holders.

Lincoln market is the only other market I'd previously been to that despite having German roots, felt pretty British. Although I enjoyed Lincoln's sprawling stalls, its one-way system and tannoy announcing the market's imminent closure made it feel far less friendly than Knaresborough. Skipton's market also felt more low-key and had an array of festive local entertainment but many of the stalls were clearly regulars to the town's weekly market. Manchester is another biggie with many repeat stalls so this year's winner is Knaresborough hands down. Although, Manchester did bring the number of random cheeses I have purchased up to a whopping ten. Looking forward to tasting the madras curry cheese, Norwegian Gjetost, chilli & lime cheddar... But that's another entry...

This Is The "News"?

Another week on and I've finally ditched the bag of old newspapers. Combing through old news I came across yet another series of “bizarre-but-true” stories. I used to have a bit of a thing for Jared Leto after watching My So-Called Life so was amazed by almost unrecognisable images of him after he's shed some serious pounds in preparation for his role as a transvestite aids patient in The Dallas Buyers Club:

As an avid fan of Groupon, a light-hearted human interest story about a man proposing through the voucher site's newsletter caught my eye. Since trying to do a Google search for Amir Michaeel's proposal, I've discovered more Groupon unions:

http://www.groupon.com/deals/greg-getting-engaged

The start of December heralds the beginning of Christmas and the end of Movember. I was rather taken with Gillette's retro style ad campaign supporting the annual fund-raising event. If, like me, Gillette's “revivalist” campaign managed to pass you by, images of the adverts are available at:

https://www.lsnglobal.com/seed/view/6587

As the festive season is now officially upon us, our Christmas decorations go up today and I'm going to wrap the first of my Christmas gifts. Having read a ridiculous story about the cost of Christmas, I'm going to avoid purchasing anything listed in The 12 Days Of Christmas – particularly the swans that now apparently cost around £625 each:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2238487/All-items-12-Days-Christmas-cost-107K.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

With British Heart Foundation research in mind, as we power through December towards the New Year, I'll be contemplating resolutions:

http://www.bhf.org.uk/default.aspx?page=15438